you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
