Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
