apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
