i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
