God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Holy sore nipples Batman
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
