Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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