No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
