Don't make out with my wife yet
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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