I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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