I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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