Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
