"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
