If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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