btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
