seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
