I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
