This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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