Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
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We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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