So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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