I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
