It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Life is so much better after having sex.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
