Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
