I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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