You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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