god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
