Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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