life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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