Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
