Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
