Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
