Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
