why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
