You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
