Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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