Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize