Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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