I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
