Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
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My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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