...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
