booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
