then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
