I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
