this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
