she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
