Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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