Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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