I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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