i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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