I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
