he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
