I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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