Im at strip club and am horny
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
