Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
