I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
