HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
