I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
