The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
