someone threw a dead crab at me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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