you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
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