Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
