dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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