first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
