I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
