I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
