New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
