Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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