just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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