Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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