If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
